I became friends with a girl who was loud, and really didn't have any morals. All my friends hated her. I thought she was simply amazing. She listened to me and shared the same thoughts on everything I had. All my friends were saying that I changed over the summer and that I had left everyone for her.
I confided in my friend and she was the only one that was there along with my other best friend. The only one that made me happy. The first week of school could have been the hardest week of my life. Absolutely none of my friends from before would talk to me. I could swear that everyone was talking about me. But then quickly thought it was all in my head. Then, a girl whom I was friends with on my bus told me that everyone was talking about me today. I cried home. I ended up crying in the stalls at school every lunch. Crying on the bus ride in the morning and at night (my bus ride is an hour and a half), crying myself to sleep. At that time I hadn't ever told my parents that I wasn't happy and that something was wrong in my life.
I didn't make sense of it until the first day of school. I could recall my last happy moment being in grade 7 when I found out that marshmallow guns existed. After enduring my second day of school I had no choice but to tell my mother. It was 1 am and I went upstairs, she was sleeping, I was sobbing intensely and I woke her up. I explained everything. She was really shocked. I felt as if I couldn't go back to school, ever again. But of course I had too. I had a doctors appointment the next day. Cried and cried some more. My first therapy session started 3 months after. What dumb basis! I don't really understand doctors these days but anyways. I've had 2 doctors this year. And I feel as if things are worse. I have heavy anxiety. I'm afraid to do anything. When I walk I look at my feet. I don't leave my house, ever. I don't know how to react or make a conversation with someone besides my family. I can't get a job. I don't know what I love, or what I like for that matter. I don't even know what I don't like. All of this makes me feel like i'm an abnormal teenager. I'm too afraid to get my drivers license because I'm afraid of myself. I'm taking a year off because I don't know what I would do to myself if I was away for year. But I don't want to stay at home. The strange thing is, my depression is horrible at night. I'm afraid of night time. Its not like the kiddish fear of darkness. I just feel afraid about the fact that everyone is sleeping.
After graduating, nothing got better. I had two good friends through out the year. One that understood every single aspect of me because I explained in GREAT detail how I felt everyday. He was there for me a lot. But he changed. He got popular. The other girl, I supposedly left all my friends for has a split personality with me. She treats me like dirt. I'm not happy around her. So now, i'm friendless. While every teenager is out drinking and partying with their endless amount of friends. I do nothing. I sleep until 4, eat, go back o bed. Wake up at 11 go to bed at 5 am. I feel like my fears go away when the sun comes up. With a lot of time to myself, I have been thinking of the ways to die. And I came with the conclusion that I would do it with pills.
A couple of days ago, I attempted suicide. I'm tired of living. Because i'm not even alive. I don't feel anything. I just am tired of having this sickening feeling in myself that makes me feel uneasy every moment of everyday. Everything reminds me of death. I associate everything with suicide. I don't understand myself because i'm an optimistic suicidal type of person. I don't want others to kill themselves. I go through phases I believe life is beautiful, things will be okay… but its a vicious circle. I just want to be happy. And I do want to die. And i'm afraid that I might have 2 people inside of me. One who wants me to be alive and one who wants to kill me. I'm afraid of her. I'm just afraid of my future. What if nothing turns out good? Right now I know that i'm just a kid. But I can't think of myself at 40 and hating life then. Knowing that I wasted all these years living in hell while I could be in a place that's painless. My soul feels like it weighs a ton and its dragging on the ground. I don't like feeling sick inside like this.
Life leaves us at awful corners such that we have that awful feeling of suffocation or being drowned. But the problem is not about drowning, it is seeing a life support right before within reach and still letting go. I can only come up with one summary, "You think you want to die, but in reality you just want to be saved". Reading this article on the "Suicide Project" brought me back to the years when I felt lonely and empty. Those thoughts of being lonely, hated or the flogging feelings of insecurity, depression and suicidal thoughts. In fact, all things that reminded me of failing and being tagged a failure. But I also remember that it did not end here, I got a call to be saved. If you also feel this way, I beg of you to please write us. I oblige you to read more articles on "Nurture your mind" and watch the follow series by Joyce Meyer.
In essence, "Christ die that you need not kill yourself."
Articles excerpted from "The Suicide Project"
Fighting Depression and Anxiety (Part 1-6)
The cure for the Insecure
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